So Freddie hit 3 months this last Sunday, coincidentally the same day his big sister turned 5 and it got me thinking. I have been a part of Layla’s life since she was two years old, I’ve been in her life as Daddy’s girlfriend for longer than I haven’t and I hope to God she knows just how much I adore her. When I was pregnant I was terrified that I would love Freddie more because he was properly mine and I wouldn’t be able to hide it and she would grow up to hate and resent us both. And while I did have an all consuming rush of love for my son, as soon as Layla walked into the hospital room I realised it was the same love I have for her, it just happened a little quicker is all. If anyone asks, I have two children. I love her, care for her and tell her off just like I was her mum.
So with that in mind, this isn’t a post about what I’ve learned as a new mum, it’s what I have learned while being on maternity leave.
1:It is boring. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love spending every day watching Freddie grow and change. But, well, he naps. A lot.
2: You have to keep your hands clean at all times, because why have a toy/dummy/teething ring when you can have mummy’s knuckle? Don’t let the closed eyes fool you. He has my hand in a death grip and is chomping down HARD on my finger!
3: The excited promises of ‘Lets meet for coffee!’ soon start to fade. Everyone wants to see the new baby that will more than likely sleep peacefully the entire time while you coo over them, and if they do wake up they literally only want one thing – food. Fast forward a few months and your little cherub is likely to be awake the entire time, and if they cry, what do they want? Food? Nappy change? Is it wind? Is it your teeth? Have I sat you on the wrong knee? Who the fuck knows?! Childless friends will drink their coffee and smile sympathetically while secretly reminding themselves never to let their child behave like that in public (HA! Good luck!). They’re almost as bad as your mum friends who will instantly offer to help, or suggest multiple things that could be wrong that didn’t even cross your mind meaning you add the fact that you’re a shit mum to the mental list of things you’re already stressing about while baby continues to scream down Costa. Don’t worry though, you are definitely NOT a shit mum and you will feel terrible for cursing Susan’s name as soon as you’re home with wine and you realise she was definitely only trying to help.
4: Going back to point number 1, you eat. A lot. You’re bored. You’ve scrolled through Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and even the daily mail app 15 times by lunch time. You wont even be hungry, but eating a bag of Malteasers might pass 15 minutes if you nibble the chocolate coat off first.
5: Speaking of Facebook and Instagram. Remember while you were at work and you couldn’t believe how many baby photos there were? Yeah, you’re going to be posting the vast majority of them. For one, why wouldn’t anyone want to see how cute your baby looks in the wash basket, stuffing their whole fist in their mouth, on their daddy’s knee? (just three of the photo’s I’ve had to stop myself posting on social media this week!)
Secondly, taking the photo’s and editing them might eat up another 20 minutes of your day!
6: You won’t even hesitate to put on a shirt that was vomited on yesterday if it means you will get out of the house even 30 seconds faster than if you found a clean one. You’re already 20 minutes late and it will only get more sick on it.